Expert Blog: Five tools for having difficult conversations

One of the proudest moments I’ve had as a management coach was the day I helped an NDIS support worker get a scared, stubborn, confused old man on treatment. The ripple effect of trying a simple formula for having difficult conversations impacted a whole community. This blog article will walk you through the exact technique, plus a few others that you can use in any tricky situation.  

I had a fantastically brave client once who, fresh-faced and straight off the boat from Melbourne, was eager to bring their passion and experience to NDIS participants in remote Aboriginal communities around Alice Springs. But the reality of the paradigm shift was quite different to the dream. 

Here’s the story of what happened next – and the valuable lessons it delivers about difficult conversations.

Prescribing a dose of tough love with a difficult conversation

During a workshop with a group of support workers, our latest recruit, Tory, bravely shared a story of trying but failing to convince a renal patient to go on dialysis. This was the mother of all difficult conversations, as it involved a very scared patient and an inexperienced support worker that knew the only way to get the best outcome was with a dose of tough love.

Together, we workshopped a simple formula that’s easy to remember and simple to use. The very next day, Tory returned to community and launched right in!

That one conversation benefited the old man, the team, their supervisor, the family, the community who were inspired by the participant’s courage, the organisation and of course, Tory – who will never be afraid of having a challenging conversation again.

You may not have a sick old man in your team, but these principles work just as effectively with a tetchy team member, a belligerent boss or a sulky spouse. 

Let’s dive into 5 ways you can manage difficult conversations!

1. Prevention before cure

All upsets come from unmet expectations. So, before you get to the point where you’re lying awake at night worrying, think about cutting difficult conversations off at the knees. 

The best way to prevent difficult conversations is by setting clear expectations through regular supervision, operational meetings, toolbox talks, staff meetings, water-cooler chats – whatever.

Of course, this is a challenge in itself! 

But, there are tools that can help, such as our ‘important not urgent grid’ for prioritising tasks and managing time. Watch for our next blog post.

2. Think about intention

While we like to believe that the era of ‘command and control’ management is over, it’s surprising how often it prevails – even for the most modern millennial manager!

Entering conversations with a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude sets it up as a battle.  

If we go in with an attitude of empathy and discovery, we can reframe difficult conversations as intentional conversations, just as Tory did. 

3. Feed forward

Imagine you decide you want to buy a red car. Soon after, you start to see red cars everywhere. 

The same happens when someone starts getting negative feedback. 

This goes back to our brain’s flight vs fight response to threats which we’ve developed over millennia. 

So as a manager, try using a technique called ‘feeding forward’ by simply sending as many positive messages as possible about what your direct report is doing right. It sets them up to deliver more of the same.

4. Steer not tell

Ever tried to tell a small child not to touch the stove? Ever seen a small child burn themselves on the stove? Which was more successful in landing the message?

While I’m not advocating to treat people like toddlers, this analogy shows why steering people works better than telling them.

Try taking people on the journey with you, asking lots of open-ended questions that create self-discovery and engagement. End the conversation by getting your direct report to affirm their commitment and buy-in.

5. Practice, practice, practice!

Sometimes, people expect to immediately master difficult conversations after doing one of my workshops. As Herbert Spencer, a 19^th Century philosopher and psychologist said, “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.”

If you want to be competent, you need to be confident. If you want to be confident you need to have courage. 

The only way to become competent at tough conversations is to take a leaf out of Tory’s play-book and have the courage to practice, practice, practice.

You can read last month’s blog on why we avoid difficult conversations here.